Mum, What's A Blowjob?
by JJ Campbell
Summary: Hermione has the inevitable sex talk with her son, Scorpius. ONE-SHOT.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any canon characters or situations in the Harry Potter Universe; nor am I paid for this. I just play in their world in no small thanks to Rowling's generosity.

 **Warnings:** Story content contains some strong language and a _very_ awkward sex talk.

 **A/N:** Hello everyone! This is just a quick one-shot of Hermione having to explain sex to her child after one-too-many run-ins at Harry's. I wrote this quickly as the idea wouldn't leave me alone, so I apologize for any errors I might have missed. Enjoy! xo

* * *

"Mum, what's a blowjob?"

Hermione dropped the pan she was currently holding and turned slowly to face the blond-haired, grey-eyed, eleven-year-old little monster innocently sitting at the table. "I beg your pardon, Scorpius?"

"What's a blowjob? I heard Uncle Harry talking to Aunt Ginny about it. When I asked what it was he wouldn't tell me and told me to ask you."

Hermione growled low in her throat, sparks flying from the tips of her hair. As her mind began conjuring images of how best to exact her revenge, she cleared her throat. "I'm afraid I don't know, love."

"Oh, she definitely knows, son; and she's quite good."

Heat flooded her cheeks as her eyes narrowed to slits. She turned on her husband who was currently sitting at the table, _Daily Prophet_ spread out before him as he drank his coffee. "D-Draco!"

He looked up, the edges of his eyes crinkled as he tried to hold in his laughter. "Yes, dear?"

Hermione began to sputter incoherencies as she hurried to clean up the spill the dropped pot had created. After placing it in the sink she turned on her heel and glared. "Do you _really_ think this is an appropriate time to be discussing this? He's _eleven_. A first year!"

Draco shrugged as he turned a page of the paper. "He's going to need to learn about it sooner or later. There's only so much we can protect him from, love. Soon enough he's going to be sneaking off into broom closets with girls. Would you rather him be prepared or walk into it blindly? Possibly coming home one day to say his lady is carrying his wee one..."

The color drained from her face as she visualized her sixteen-year-old son coming home and telling them he had gotten a girl pregnant. Her hands clasped the edge of the sink in an iron-tight grip as she felt the room begin to tilt a bit off-center. "But...but...he's _eleven_! I hadn't planned on forcing you to talk to him until he was _at least_ in his third year."

Draco jerked his head up, an appalled look on his face. "Why do I have to talk to him about it?"

Hermione threw her hands up, her arms moving in jerky movements. "Because you're a _man_. You have the same bits!"

"Bits?" Scorpius piped up, a curious fire sparking in his eyes.

She groaned, wiping a palm down her face as she rolled her eyes. "Fine." she sighed and took a seat beside her husband. "Scorpius, if we're going to talk about this, we might as well start from the beginning. How do you think babies are made?"

Draco sputtered in his coffee, his shoulders shaking as he tried to quiet his laughter. He quickly regained control of himself after seeing the rather glacial look being directed his way. "Is there a problem, Malfoy?"

He shook his head and cleared his throat. "No, _Mrs. Malfoy_. Please, continue."

She stared at him for a moment longer before returning her attention back to their child. "Scorpius?"

He sat there for a moment, his face scrunched up in thought before lighting up with excitement. "Oh, I know this! It's when a man kisses the woman's vangina!"

" _WHAT!"_ Hermione screeched as Draco laughed so hard he fell out of his chair, his body practically convulsing on the floor. "W-where did you learn that?"

Scorpius looked around uncertainly and shrugged. "I saw it on Uncle Harry's telly." he paused, his head ducking down, as his cheeks turned a bright pink. "I just remembered I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

Hermione slammed her forehead against the table once, twice. _Harry's death is nigh_ , she thought as she lifted her head and stared hard across the table. "What else has _Uncle Harry_ said, or let you watch, hmm?"

Scorpius flinched, knowing that eerily calm tone never meant anything good. "That's it, I swear! And he didn't actually let me watch it, I...well...I kind of walked in on them…"

He watched as her eyebrows rose further up her quickly reddening forehead and internally cringed. "Walked in on them...doing what...exactly?"

Scorpius shrugged, "I...I don't know…"

Hermione sighed and looked towards her husband, looking defeated. "I love him, I do, but I'm going to have to kill him."

Draco chuckled and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Come on, let's finish this and then I'll cheer you up good and proper."

She blushed, tucking a wayward curl behind her ear, and turned back to her son. "Alright, first of all it's called a _vag_ ina, not _van_ gina. Secondly, when a man kisses a woman _there_ that is called something else entirely. We'll get there, but let's start from the beginning. Do you remember what your privates," she flicked her hand in the general direction of his trousers, "are called?"

"A penis," he chirped, a grin pulled across his face at finally having the correct answer.

Hermione nodded, "Exactly, and as I'm a woman, I have a vagina." She paused. "Intercourse - or sex - is different for each couple. For a man and woman, like your Father and I, the man inserts his penis into the vagina which is like a small pocket." she paused to enclose her thumb and index finger in a circle on her left hand before impaling it with her wand in her right - in and out.

Draco stared wide-eyed before letting his face fall to the tabletop in a fit of laughter. "I wasn't aware we were going to have demonstrations, Professor."

She glared down at her shaking husband, "Why don't you go busy yourself elsewhere seeing as you're not actually helping, hmm?"

He wiped the tears from his eyes and nodded. "Alright. I'm going to pop over to Theo's for a moment then. See if he wants to grab a bite somewhere." He stood pressing a soft kiss to her scowling mouth before ruffling his son's hair and exiting the kitchen - his laughter trailing behind him until he was cut off completely by the _pop_ of apparition.

Hermione returned her attention to the matter at hand. "Right. So. Where was I?"

As soon as her son began to mimic her previous hand motions with his tiny fingers, she felt heat ignite her cheeks. "Right! Yes! So, the man continues to insert his penis until he ejaculates. When this happens, a white fluid made up of sperm and semen shoots out from the tip of the penis." She paused. "To make a baby, the man keeps his penis locked into the vagina. This allows his sperm to go into the woman's uterus - this part holds the baby for nine months - and try and fertilize the egg."

Scorpius frowned, "So we're like chickens, then?"

"What?"

"We come from eggs? Like chickens."

Hermione bobbed her head side-to-side, "I suppose that's a semi-accurate statement. So, that's how babies are made. To _not_ make a baby, you must _always_ use protection. Whether it be by magical or muggle means. Your father can teach you the proper spells to use and I'll make sure to pop over to the corner store later to purchase some condoms."

She paused and looked down at the table, slightly fidgeting. "Do you have any questions?"

"What's a blowjob?"

"Oh, yes...that's what started this whole mess, right? Well, basically...that is to say…" she sighed, "It's when a person's mouth is used in place of a vagina, I suppose. This kind of act can be performed on its own or as a precursor to sex - otherwise known as foreplay."

Scorpius sat in his chair quietly for so long, Hermione was petrified that she had somehow bungled all of this up and potentially scarred the child for life. Oh, she was _really_ going to obliterate Harry for this.

"What's foreplay?"

Hermione cleared her throat, staring just over his head at the wall behind him. "Foreplay is something that is done prior to sex to kind of...well...to make sure your partner is ready for sex. It is _very_ important to ensure your partner is ready or else it'll hurt terribly and isn't in any way enjoyable. Anyways, I think that's enough for today, don't you think? Why don't you go out to the garden and play for a bit while I resurrect what I can of our breakfast, yeah?"

Scorpius nodded, giving her a quick peck on the cheek, before dashing out the back door. She sat in the silence of the kitchen, listening to the faint ticking of the muggle clock that was hanging on the wall. Nodding her head, she picked herself up from the table and walked to their home office. Digging through a drawer of paper, she finally withdrew a piece of blood-red parchment and picked up her wand. Inhaling deeply, she magically closed the office door and exhaled.

* * *

Harry sat in the Ministry cafeteria, picking at his sandwich, as he listened to Ginny and Luna prattle on about whatever plans they had for the day. Ginny muttering an _uh-oh_ brought him out of his internal musings enough for him to look up at her questioningly. Well, he would have, if it hadn't been for the ominous red envelope currently floating in front of his face. Dread washed over him as he stared at his name written in an elegant script, immediately recognizing it as Hermione's.

He gulped as he frantically looked around the cafeteria, noticing that it had grown eerily quiet in the usually packed eating space. That's when he noticed that all eyes were on him and the floating envelope, completely ignoring their own lunches. He sighed and looked towards his wife for help. Ginny simply shrugged, her lips pulled tightly inward as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Might as well open it, then."

Harry hung his head and sighed. Carefully, as if the missive would bite off his hand, he brushed the pads of his fingers against the smooth surface and squared his shoulders. He wasn't _nearly_ prepared for what was now echoing around the room in his best friend's enraged voice.

" _Harry James Potter! I am going to eviscerate you in such a horrible way, your long dead ancestors will be feeling the pain for years! Because of_ you _, I had to explain to my_ eleven-year-old son _what a blowjob was and then subsequently what sex is! Do you know how he thought babies were made, Harry? DO YOU? By kissing a WOMAN'S VAGINA, HARRY! For fuck's sake! Look, now you've made me resort to obscene language."_ there was the sound of a sharp inhale and a throat clearing making Harry all the more nervous. _"If my son ever, and I mean_ ever, _comes home and tells me he walked in on you both watching porn again I will outright kill you. You better watch your back, because the next time an opportunity arises, I will make Voldemort seem like a harmless child picking fucking daisies. You can count your days, Potter, so you best learn to keep your dick - and your_ mouth _\- to yourself whenever my son visits!"_

Harry sat staring wide-eyed and red-faced at the remnants of the letter that had spectacularly exploded in his face. He drug his eyes away from the pile of ashes and stared at his equally embarrassed wife. Together, they slunk further in their seats, as laughter began to pick up around them.


End file.
